You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
