Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
