living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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