Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
