i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
