you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
