I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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