I seem to have left my pride at pride
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
