It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
