We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
