so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
