You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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