so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I understand Curling. That high.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
