You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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