A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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