You can't special order awesome
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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