You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
