So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
