You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize