i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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