My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize