i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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