There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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