remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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