i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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