i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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