You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
