Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
