I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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