doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
