Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
