I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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