the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
