Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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