Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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