I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize