The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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