She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
