did you get engaged???
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize