I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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