I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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