saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
