Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
