so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
