so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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