fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
