Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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