96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
