Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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