So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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