I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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