dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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