I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
