I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize