Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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