He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
