how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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