I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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