I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
