ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
