There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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