Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize