Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
