Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
