I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
