Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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