my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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