Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
