i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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