she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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