i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
