I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
