You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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